This is a story of a boy who not only went through anorexia, but being overweight too. His story is indicative that the most important thing when you are making a change is to realize what you are doing very well and to set clear boundaries, because food can become your enemy. Read the story of Devin Andre Dupuis and I am sure it will help you and will show you that what you do in the gym is not the most important:
What you see here is my 3-4 month progress from early summer until now…about a 25-30 pound difference. Before my move out to California, I relaxed a bit on my diet because I had so many other things going on at the time and that was one less thing I had to worry about. The sad thing is, I had sort of been in denial about how much weight I’d actually put on at this point, still thinking that I looked pretty decent.
But that brings me to my next topic, and that’s body dysmorphia coupled with ED. No no, the other ED, get your mind out of the gutter. What I’m referring to here is eating disorders, many of which have plagued me throughout the majority of my life. From anorexia to binging episodes to chewing food and spitting it out, to obsessively counting calories/macros and weighing food, I’ve had them all. Except bulimia. Because fuck that. Anyways, what started a few years ago as an attempt to live a healthier lifestyle and simply get in shape, had done just the opposite and consumed me to the point where I was never happy. What began as fun and healthy quickly turned into mental anguish and a chore, just the opposite of what “healthy” is. Despite being in better physical shape, my mental state had been compromised in the process.
“So Devin, with all this mental stress and torture, you at least like the way you look right?!” This is where body dysmorphia comes into play. What I see in the mirror every day is a completely distorted image of myself and is nothing like what the majority of you guys (especially those outside of the lifting/fitness community) see. While I may get the ol’ “oh you look so great”, “you’ve made so much progress”, “Devin you should be proud”, etc, I am never satisfied with what I’ve done, and even on a good day, I still see that same fat fuck or that tiny skeletal mess I’d been before. Then the icing on the cake here (mmmmmmm, cake) is that not only am I constantly battling with myself here, but my skewed perception is even further warped when within a 24 hour span, I had been called, fat, skinny-fat, and asked if I’d been on steroids. None of those are consistent whatsoever and at this point you don’t even know what to think anymore.
So why am I sharing all this with you guys in the first place you might ask?! Well, for starters, it felt really good to open up and share my experiences with you all. The other purpose here was to shine some light on how something that should be healthy and beneficial can easily turn into something dreadful, obsessive, and damaging. The sad thing is, I know I’m not at all alone here. If this reaches or impacts even one individual, this post will have been a success. Fitness, along with life in general, is all about the journey, not the end game. So if you end up rushing and worrying about everything, you sacrifice a good chunk of enjoyment along the way. While I worried about whether or not I was gonna weigh 3 ounces less the very next day, I neglected friends, family, social gatherings, parties, etc. And for what, so I could see a fraction more of a vein in my left deltoid?! Oh boy…
The reality is, this is definitely not the way to live, at least not for me. Again, this might sound like nonsense to some, but I know there are others out there who can almost 100% relate.
So if you really wanna get deep here, you can say that this is most definitely a progress pic, if not the best one I have. The greatest change here being mental progression over any physical progression. Because not only have I learned a lot about myself here, but for the first time ever, I’ve mentally prepared myself for an intentional controlled bulking phase, getting over that fear that seeing the scale go up = bad! And I’ve decided to give way less of a fuck about what I THOUGHT others’ opinions were, regarding my physical appearance (when in reality that was only an imaginary mental stress- no one truly cares as much as I could ever think they did). I am lifting again simply for me and my personal enjoyment. I’m very excited to finally give this a shot and I’m incredibly thankful for all of you who’ve been so supportive of me along the way.
And to those of you who read all this and made it to the end, I love your faces and I wish you all the best week possible.